Out of Avalon

February 8th, 2010 by Ascelyn

I am not going to complain.

I am not going to recount the last month or so, however long it’s been, of the baby’s life.

I am not going to spend the evening with my husband and child.

I am not going to do many things.  Including sleep.  I’m too tired.  Well, not too tired to sleep, but instead I have to stay at work late, then go home and wash diapers, prep bottles for tomorrow at daycare, wash clothes for tomorrow at work, and doubtless many other things I just can’t think of right now.  I might finally get to bed by midnight, but I’ll have to wake up at least once, maybe twice, hopefully not every hour like last night, before getting up for good by six at the latest.  I’ll definitely get to listen to my husband complain about how tired he is.  You know, that guy who stays super late every night, goes to bed before me, wakes up after my day has gotten well underway, and doesn’t even notice when I get up to feed and change the baby.

So tired.

The house is a disaster zone.  I still have one very important thank you note to write, but because I want to do it right, it hasn’t been done at all.  The grandparents are whining because they don’t get to see the Moose enough.  I don’t get to see him enough.  Everyone says babies change and grow so fast.  I guess that’s true, but I haven’t been there to see it.

I hate being here, at work, and I hate the constant questions from my coworkers, acquaintances, and random strangers of why I’m not at home.  It’s the judgment in their eyes that gets me.  Looks from the females that say, I would do/am doing it differently.  From the males that remind me, My wife stays at home, because she considers our children to be more important than a career.  Because I know why I’m not at home, but it’s not a reason I ought to go into here.  I also know that it’s not going to change, and that makes me mad.  I wish I had the energy to be mad.  I wish I had help so I would have energy.  If I can’t have those things, I wish I at least had a job I would consider a career.  This is just a job.  It’s interesting work, but I’m not particularly good at it, and I have no real desire to move up and no real place to move up into.  Meanwhile, my son grows up, apart from me.  It makes me sad to keep telling myself that I can do Thing X in mid-February and Thing Y in April, when by then I will have missed months more that I’ll never get back.  Months where he’s growing so fast and changing literally every day.

Now I have SCA people poking at me and wanting to know why I haven’t signed up to help with various up-and-coming events.  I’ll do it sometime after I sleep.  And maybe eat.  I would like to eat again someday.  I would like to have clean pants to wear.  I would like to spend time with my beautiful baby boy.  But I’m essentially called a freeloader and told I must not value the barony because I don’t have time to come to meetings that are hours away on weeknights and because I don’t sign up to work all day in positions where I wouldn’t have a chance to leave and feed, change, interact with my Mini-moose.  Because my priorities apparently aren’t straight.

I said I wasn’t going to complain.  Trust me, this isn’t even the shade of a complaint compared to what I have stored up.

Perhaps later I will post happy things.  If I’m not too tired.

December 23rd, 2009 by Ascelyn

We’ve been using cloth diapers exclusively for nearly a month now, and while the excitement and newness may have died down a bit, the happiness hasn’t.  I love my BG 3.0s, and hopefully I’ll have found a new home for the other four diapers we tried shortly.  While I was worried for a while that I’d just have to buy all new diapers for any future children if we wore out the one-size diapers on Michael, we’ll still come out ahead unless we have more children than there are diaper sizes.  Besides, it looks like replacing the Aplix and elastic should be easy, and that’s what supposedly wears out.

Suffice it to say that we had several leaky diapers with disposables, even in the brand that fit him best, and that we never have with cloth.  Ever.  Even after going eight or nine hours at night.  And there have been some seriously nasty poosplosions with which these things have had to contend.

After an incident at my parents’ house, he did have a bit of diaper rash.  I used prefolds on him for part of the day after it appeared, since Grandma El’s can be used on those but apparently not on my bumGenius pockets, according to the lady I called at Cotton Babies.  Once J got home and I had some time, I cut up some scrap fleece I had laying around into liners, just strips I can lay inside the diapers so that the rash ointment doesn’t touch the suedecloth.  Works like a charm and costs next to nothing.  It sounds silly, but the same ointment does wonders for his cradle cap, though it’s kind of sticky and I don’t use it when he’s going to have to go out and wear a hat.

Eadric’s mom serged some cloth wipes for me (thankyouthankyouthankyou!), and while I still intend to sew some more after Christmas, they’re doing the job well.  I’m using a spray solution of 1 cup water : 1 tsp. baby wash : 1 tsp. apricot oil, and it seems fine.  The baby wash was the non-Johnson’s only unscented one at the market and is the cream kind, so it takes a while to dissolve.  I’m kind of ticked that my Burt’s Bees apricot baby oil smells so great from fragrance instead of the oil, though.  Our spray doesn’t really smell like anything.  Of course, I guess that’s better than smelling bad, right?

Regarding prefolds:  the reviews are right.  Unbleached Indian prefolds are both softer and less sturdy than bleached Chinese ones.  I think I’ll just run another line of stitching along the serged edges, which are already kind of getting shabby.  We use them mostly as burp rags and occasionally as back-up diapers, though, so it’s no big deal.  I might have went ahead with all prefolds and covers if there was no daycare in our future, J was more willing to learn, and we didn’t have the money for pockets, but they’re just too fussy for me when dealing with a squirmy baby.  I’m thinking of trying to dye some of the ones we did get, just for kicks.  You know, in all my spare time.  I can’t figure out how I can dye the two outer (thinner) parts one color and the thick middle strip another color, though.  That’s my real goal.

Nobody seems to be having any reactions to the Charlie’s Soap we’re using, which is a relief.  I only read that some people had bad reactions to it after we started using it, so I was a bit worried.  The Bac-Out spray really seems to help keep the stains from setting, too, though I’ve never really gone without it, so I don’t know if maybe we’d be stain-free anyway.  It smells awesome, though.  Unfortunately, we’re almost out, and shipping to get a jug of concentrate is going to be a killer.  No one around here carries it that I know of.

Washing remains a piece of cake.  It takes no extra work at all to wash, and maybe ten minutes max to restuff them with the inserts.  Less time than it would take going through the check-out line to buy disposables, and far less than a trip to the landfill (or to my parents’, who keep saying I could just drop off trash there, but who would waylay me and force me into an hour-long conversation while I’m trying to get somewhere).

I think that’s it.  I’ll save my Grand Plan! for later sometime.  Thank goodness I didn’t let people talk me out of using cloth.  Most of them either had done it back in the day by necessity and hadn’t seen the new diapers or were using disposables now without trying cloth, probably because they’ve never seen the new diapers.  A few people around town have already decided after seeing me change Michael that it seems like a good idea for any future children of their own, so I’m laughing inside.  Quietly.

December 23rd, 2009 by Ascelyn

J has decided that Michael Needs. A. Stocking.  Right now.  This after he had originally agreed that we might as well wait until next year when (a) the kid would actually care and (b) I would have a functional sewing machine on which to make a rockin’ stocking.  Instead, we have to run around town two days before Christmas to find a stocking.  A stocking into which we have no stocking-y gifts to place.

The tree, on the other hand–the first tree we’ve had since we’ve been together–is decorated, and gifts have been placed under the care of its verdant limbs.  Unwrapped gifts, for the most part, since J’s gift is part his new grill and part a framed picture for his desk at work that may or may not be ready in time.  Mikey’s gifts are unwrapped and apparently “boring,” mostly consisting of books, useful items we’d need soon anyway, and three outfits.  We did get him two or three small toys, like a trio of soft stacking blocks, but nothing flashy.  Oh, and the baby signing kit I wanted!  That’s for both of us, I suppose, but I had to keep myself from opening it when it first arrived.

I guess I should eventually get around to putting away the boxes the ornaments were packed in.  The sheet the tree sat on needs washed, and the plastic netting trashed, and needles vacuumed.  Oh, and I need to get a picture of our baby into his first Christmas ornament instead of the default child that comes with it.  Ours is cuter.  Hmmph.

Tomorrow we got to J’s sister’s house for Year 2 of our Christmas Eve extravaganza.  I voted for moving it to our house this year, since C’s is teeny-tiny (as in, meant to be a two-person hunting lodge; you have to step over people constantly) and V’s is so new and shiny that it doesn’t really have anything in it yet.  We have space and stuff, including a twin bed and a crib for my nephew and niece, a nice TV for the movie-watching, and a decent kitchen for making the meal.  Oh, and a place for me to retreat and nurse the baby instead of having to go out to the car, since not only is there nowhere to sit at C’s and no extra rooms, but several people also get squicked out by the idea of breastfeeding and I can’t sew my nursing cover until I get my new machine.  Which will be a day later.

Still, it was a lot of fun last year, and I’m looking forward to continuing our turkey-eating tradition, a tradition which, unlike Thanksgiving, doesn’t involve any form of parents/grandparents or driving from one house to another and is therefore fun instead of stressful.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

December 18th, 2009 by Ascelyn

My first week at work is almost over.  Granted, it was a strange week–a half day Monday and Thursday off because Certain People who had promised to watch the baby ended up backing out for those times.  Still, while work itself isn’t too bad, I hate leaving in the mornings and am so sorry in the evenings that I missed having the time with Michael.

It made spending all day with him yesterday all the sweeter, though.  At least until this morning, when I fed him just before I left.  He finished and was grinning and babbling at me, but by the time I was on my way out the door, he was wailing.  I felt like I was abandoning him.  At home with J, he’ll have one-on-one attention and be held and cuddled.  At daycare, I’m afraid he’ll just be left in his crib alone all day.  I know for certain that he would at most of the places I checked; they told me that very plainly.  I don’t think he will be at the one where he’ll be going, but the prospect still worries me.

If I were to stop working here, I’d probably start watching another baby at home.  Sure, I wouldn’t make as much money as the people who are at full capacity, but I’d know I was taking good care of him or her, and I hope that would make the other parents feel comfortable.  One person can care for–not just have around, but actually care for–two babies.  I just don’t see how they can really take care of two infants and six preschoolers.  Then when the other baby and my own have both turned two or three and are out of diapers and not requiring super-constant hands-on care, I could start watching another child or two.

J’s been working like crazy, usually long into the night after we’ve gone to bed.  I’m really glad he’s getting to spend the next two weeks with his son.  He’s never been alone with him for more than the amount of time it takes me to get a shower before.  Honestly, though, it still worries me immensely that I have three CVD runs in the next three weeks, and that sort of a schedule is only going to get worse.  Who’s going to watch Michael while we’re away…all day, and possibly all night?  I wish I had a better idea of how things were going to go.  He shouldn’t be working that much anyway, and my schedule should have evened out years ago.

November 29th, 2009 by Ascelyn

We moved the pack & play out into the loft Wednesday so that it would be easier for me to do diaper changes in the middle of the night without turning on the light in our room.The light from the closet was sufficient while I could still use the changing table attachment, but now that he’s too heavy for it, I was having trouble seeing down into the bassinet part thanks to the shadows.

It’s much more convenient set-up.  He’s also started sleeping for five or six hours through the night, only waking once to eat.  At this rate, he’ll be down in his own room in the crib by Christmas.  Yay!

November 27th, 2009 by Ascelyn

Just placed another order with Mom’s Milk Boutique.  I love them.  I LURVE them.  Everyone should buy from them.

On order:

• 24 bumGenius 3.0 OS pocket diapers
• 2 diaper pail liners
• 2 wet bags
• 12 unbleached Indian prefolds
• 2 free pairs of Baby Legs that I’ll be giving to my sister-in-law and neice
• Grandma El’s diaper rash cream, safe to use with cloth diapers

Because such is my luck, I placed my order 9 minutes too soon to be in the running to win a $180 silk ring sling.  Boo.

Now I just need to make my lovely cloth wipes and wipe spray.  Which involves buying a functional sewing machine (another rant entirely) and going to the market.  Which means I can buy sausages.

Mmm.  Sausages.  How did I spend my entire life thinking I didn’t like you?  So tasty….

Hooray for diapers!  (Can you tell I need sleep?  On the bright side, the little moose only woke up once last night!  Go Moose!  Go me!)

November 26th, 2009 by Ascelyn

I’ve been using the cloth diapers at least part time for three days now.  I haven’t used them at night, but I’ve been out and about two of those days and not had a problem.  It was prefolds and covers alone the first day, and I’m getting better at getting a squirmy baby into a prefold and snappi.  At times like this afternoon, though, when he soiled not only the diaper itself but the cover as well, things get interesting.  It wouldn’t have been an issue at home on my changing table, but while trying to change him on a too-small diaper bag changing pad on my in-laws’ couch, I had a problem.  He was wiggling too much for me to trust him without a hand on him, I had nowhere to lay the dirty diapers while trying to get the clean one on him, and in the end I just stuck him in the Happy Heiny.

I’ve used it twice now. It goes on easy and holds in his messes.  That’s good enough for me.

He’s in his bumGenius 3.0 now.  Same for it–used it twice, goes on easy, works well enough.

The Rump-a-rooz are the bulkiest so far, and while they’re cute and I’ve used them twice as well, they just don’t seem to fit quite as well.  That might change as he gets older.  Still no leakage, though.

Finally, I used the Fuzzi Bunz OS for the first time just now.  Having a million (okay, three) elastics to adjust and separate waist and hip snaps might make for a perfect fit, but they’re also very irritating.  I don’t know if it’s worth it, though at least adjusting the elastics is only an occasional thing.

I haven’t used the Green Mountain diaper yet, but fiddling with those stupid snaps on the elastics is a pain.  At least there’s only one set of external snaps to deal with.

I think I like hook and loop fasteners much better, but I’m afraid they’ll wear out more quickly over time. I’m starting to wonder if a one size diaper is a good idea, too, since it will probably wear out over the course of one baby and might not work until he potty trains.  Then again, the cost is the same to buy four sizes or to buy OS diapers for four children.  But what if I have kids with different builds who would be best in different brands?

Washed diapers for the first time last night.  Cold soak and rinse, hot wash with double rinse.  Charlie’s Soap.  Easy enough.

Time to go home now.  I totally need a bigger bag to store dirty diapers while I’m out.  Also, cloth diapers take up way more space in my diaper bag than disposables did.  I think I need to reorganize.

November 23rd, 2009 by Ascelyn

Our little Mini-moose will be six weeks old tomorrow.  Supposedly, I’m now healed up enough to return to work and he’s plenty old to be cared for by a complete stranger for the majority of the day.

Riiiight.

Dr. W wrote me a note giving me two more weeks off work since I’m not fully healed yet and can’t physically do my job, so I’m off until at least Dec. 7th.  I’m supposed to call the daycare centers we checked out today and let them know whether or not he’s coming and if so, when.  J is taking the weeks of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years off to try to burn up some of his PTO before it disappears, leaving a two-week gap between my return and his being off until the beginning of January.  My mother can cover the second week of that gap, so if we could find someone to watch the baby for the first week, it would save us from having to pay for daycare for the weeks of Christmas and New Years even if he doesn’t go.

The question now is whether or not he’ll be going at all.

In a perfect world, I would get to stay home with him.  In a perfect world, I’d have the alternate choice of getting to work part time and be home the rest, keeping my foot in the door while spending plenty of time with our son.  Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world, and I’m not sure what to do.

I have a completely useless degree in biology, useless because there are no jobs in my field in this area.  I’m working as an engineering tech because at least it’s a science/technical job for which I’m qualified, though I’ll never be able to work as a full engineer because of having the wrong degree.  These are the times I mock myself for dropping the physics half of my double major when I transferred, thinking it would be useless.  There’s only one place in the area with any sort of technical jobs, and that’s the Rocket Factory.  If I quit now, will they ever hire me back again?  I certainly won’t be able to get a job down in my building, and since I pretty much despise the company itself, I don’t know if I’d want a job not with my current team.  They’ll have to fill my position as soon as I leave, though, so having a new position for a tech (of which there are very few on plant anyway) just when I’m ready to return would be close to a miracle.  I’d planned to continue working now basically because I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get a job locally when I wanted to return if I quit.

Then again, daycare, extra gas money (we’d have to drive separate to be able to drop off and pick up within the daycare’s allotted times, and the better of the places we’ve found that is currently accepting infants is half an hour away, adding about two hours of extra driving per day), meals out, extra bottles and bags for pumping, more expensive cloth diapers (pockets only vs. mostly prefolds here), and likely even more copays for doctor’s appointments when he gets sick more frequently…they all add up.  It would easily cost over half my salary.  I’d pretty sure I’d be working for less than minimum wage.  If we have another child before this one’s in school full time, I’d be working just to pay to have the two of them in daycare.  I’d have to quit, placing me right back where I currently worry I’d be with not having somewhere to go when I return to work.  Why wait a few years when it’s going to happen anyway?

All my dreams of having a child revolve around getting to actually be with him.  With J working insane hours (a 24-hour shift followed by three hours at home before having to return??) and my needing to do the same once the reactor’s running full time, someone else would essentially be raising him.  I don’t say that to bash normal daycare arrangements, but he’d be in someone else’s care the majority of the day.  I want to be the one to teach my child about the world, about right and wrong, not someone else.

Today we’re going shopping for Christmas gifts and decorations for our first “real” Christmas, but we’re also going to have to make a big decision.  I hope we make the right one.

November 21st, 2009 by Ascelyn

My first shipment of cloth diapers arrived Thursday night.  I ordered the one-size pocket sampler from Mom’s Milk Boutique, plus two Thirsties Duo Wraps and a dozen DSQ Chinese prefolds.  Unfortunately, the Snappis and detergent (Charlie’s Soap) that I ordered from Amazon still haven’t arrived, so I can’t wash them and start using them for a few days yet.  Nevertheless, here’s my impression of them straight out of the box.

I’ll start with the bumGenius 3.0, since I had originally planned to order only these.  I hadn’t even really realized there were other one-size pockets on the market.  It has a two rows of snaps along the front to adjust the size and closes with hook and loop.  As with the others, it came bundled with both newborn and full-size inserts.  The full-size snaps down to provide more absorbancy in the front or back.  That’s really about all there is to it.  It’s the only one of the bunch that has a flap covering the opening of the pocket, but other than that, nothing really makes it stand out in either direction.  I guess we’ll have to wait and see once Michael gets to wear them.

Next up is Fuzzi Bunz.  While I appreciate how easy it seems like the Aplix closures will be to use while he’s squirming around, I like how adjustable the multiple rows of snaps seem to be.  It snaps to adjust both the waist and the hips instead of at the the front to adjust the rise.  Along the inside of the legs, the elastic peaks out and is held in place by buttons.  This allows you to adjust the leg elastics for a custom fit, something the others don’t have.  I like the feeling of the fabrics, both for the outside (not too plastic-y) and the inside (super soft).  The insert isn’t anything special, just a rectangular soaker bad, but I think the diaper’s my favorite so far.

On to Rumparooz G2.  These come in some of the cuter patterns I’ve seen on pockets–I got the multicolor dots and think it’s pretty freaking adorable for something that’s intended to be pooped in.  It snaps along the front to adjust the rise.  The outside fabric has kind of plastic-y, slippery feeling, but the inside is almost as soft as the Fuzzi Bunz.  I like that these have two layers of gussets along the edge to catch as much as possible before it escapes through the legs.  The inserts are nice–not only does the bigger insert snap down, but it also has an extra snap to attach the newborn insert for double absorbancy that stays in place.  I wouldn’t mind getting more of these if they fit except that they seem to be the most expensive of the bunch, coming in around $23.50.  Ouch.

Happy Heinys.  The name drives me insane.  It also had a spelling mistake right on the cardboard wrap-around label, which irritates me regardless of whether or not it should even matter.  Aplix front, typical fabrics, row of snaps in front to adjust size.  Two plain inserts.  Seems pretty much like the bumGenius 3.0 but not as nice.  I’d chose the former.

Last, Rocky Mountain.  I think these are my least favorite so far.  They seem…thin.  They’re not as soft.  The web site claims they have a better adjustment system due to the adjustable elastic along the legs inside, but it’s harder to get to than the ones on the Fuzzi Bunz.  A few snaps to adjust waist size, and that’s it.  It came with a bumGenius insert.

I like my Duo Wraps.  There are two rows of snaps along the front, much like the bumGenius pockets have, and they close via Aplix.  They should allow me to buy two sizes total and work from birth to potty training while still fitting better than a one size fits all deal.  Instead of buying four sizes, you buy two…and essentially have six, since each diaper adjusts to work as three different sizes.  They have double gussets to catch extra messes.

The prefolds I bought to go with them are just basic prefolds.  If everything works out, I think I’ll try getting a dozen unbleached Indian prefolds next time, just to see which I prefer.  Folding them looks like it’s going to be easier than I thought it would.  Youtube is a wonderful thing!  Not much more to say about them now since I’ll need to prewash them a few times before I can use them.

Hope the detergent gets here soon.  I want to get started!

November 19th, 2009 by Ascelyn

I’ve been meaning to post.  Really, I have.  I’ve had things to say, though they might just be sleep-deprived inanities.  But still.  They were things.

The baby’s one-month doctor’s appointment was today.  It was uneventful, except that the doc is suddenly wondering about the hematomas.  Yes, they’ve calcified.  Yes, they’re still quite visible.  You weren’t concerned when I tried to contact you about them while they were still growing rapidly, so I asked other people, and they’ve said this is normal.  Thanks a lot.

He’s now 10 lbs 4 oz and 22.5″ long.  That places him in the 50th percentile for weight and head circumference and the 75th for height.  He’s my long, lean baby boy.

I asked about his spit-up issues, and they immediately wanted to know how much I was feeding him at a time.  Like I know.  He’s breastfed.  They seemed shocked…kind of like the nurse filling out the questionaire at the ob/gyn on Tuesday, who wanted to know what kind of formula he was using, not whether or not he was using formula at all.

The most exciting thing that’s happened lately is his sudden ability to eat “properly,” without the shield.  One day he couldn’t, and the next he could.  My mom’s wonderful coworker, the nursing instructor for the maternity and pediatric classes at the college and mother of kids I used to babysit, helped me out.  I think he likes her.  I shouldn’t be so proud that I can finally feed my son at one month the way that most mothers can feed their babies at one day, but I really am.  Of both of us.

Other than that, there’s little to say.  He’s growing quickly, eating and sleeping and pooping like babies are wont to do.  I ordered the first of his cloth diapers a few days ago, and FedEx is reporting that they’re sitting on my front porch as we speak.  He got a sample pack of five one-size pocket diapers (bumGenius 3.0, Happy Heinies, Rump-a-rooz G2, Fuzzi Bunz, and Rocky Mountain), two Thirsties Duo Wraps, and a dozen DSQ Chinese prefolds.  That should get us started while I see which, if any, work best.  I’m planning to use the prefolds for daycare and at night and the covers and prefolds at home to save some money.  Hopefully I’ll miraculously learn how to sew and make some fitted or contour diapers myself, since they’re rather expensive.

Now if I could only heal properly, life would be excellent.  But that’s another post for another day.