Out of Avalon

November 13th, 2007 by Ascelyn

Let me define a few words for you. Lately = for the last six months to a year. Down = life is just pointless.

I’ve been pretty down lately.

This is not how my life was supposed to go. I had a plan. A plan, people! I’m smart, and caring, and not totally horrific looking. I even had talents once! And I can draw up a mean character sheet for an RPG. Obviously, there must be great things in store for my life.

So why is it that I’m exactly where I always assumed–not hoped, not promised myself, but simply assumed–I’d never be?

I’m living in the same much-hated town where I grew up, with a useless degree, working at a job that I don’t particulary abhor but don’t really care for either. Married, but that’s not bad. Thinking about having the children to whom I vowed I’d never give birth, and planning to have to work full time to have them.

My life was very planned out in just the ways I wanted it. Great school, guaranteed good-paying job afterward, then move to a nice little cottage near enough to town to get there easily but away from all neighbors and civilization. A research job, a lab. Biology. Or maybe NASA? If I was in a position to do so, I’d adopt.

I could do it. It was a sure thing. I was in the school, promised the first job, and had no doubts about the second. So what happened?

I don’t regret the choices I made. I mean, I really don’t. I think back on them sometimes and wish a few things would have happened differently, or at different times, but I do know I made the correct decision in transferring schools and getting married. I guess it just never quite hit me fully what the later consequences would be.

Life in this heaven-forsaken town. No friends, but plenty of family–the type I’d desired to maintain a long-distance relationship.with, since being so close isn’t necessarily a smart idea. A job that is meaningless, at least to me. Alone.

It’s the “alone” part that keeps echoing in my head. The rest was somewhat expected. I can handle it just fine. But I thought I’d left the “alone” part back when I left high school. When I left Cumberland.

When I moved back here, I had friends here. They’ve drifted away, moved or changed. And it’s not that I can’t make new ones; I know I can, because I’ve done so. I had more friends in Pittsburgh than I probably have the rest of my post-elementary school life combined. And I get along with people in the Society just fine, though I do feel like I’m imposing more often than not. But they’re kind and welcoming, and that’s plenty good enough for me. But Pittsburgh is behind me, and the closest group of Scadians at the moment are hours away. Not a problem when I moved back. There were friends here waiting for me! What happened? Why am I alone again?

The easy answer: there is a serious dearth of geeks in Western Maryland.

The difficult assumption: I’ll always be alone.

The question: why is it worth living? I mean, I know it is. I just don’t know why anymore. Things aren’t going to get any better. They aren’t going to change. I’ll be alone, working a job that does nothing for me but pay the bills, having my child raised by someone else in a daycare center. I’m a pretty horrible wife, and I know it. Will I be a horrible mother, too? Do I have a choice? Do I really have a choice in anything anymore?

November 9th, 2007 by Ascelyn

I’ve actually been relatively busy lately.  Half the time, it seems like I’m ignoring something important the simply needs to be done in order to accomplish a half dozen other things that also must be finished by a certain time.  Prioritizing everything is becoming a bit of an issue.  It’s not so much what’s the most important, but what will have the most lasting repurcussions.  I might certainly have more important things to do than watch some random late-night television show at my sister-in-law’s house when I need to be up early the next morning.  On the other hand, if I remind Jason that we need to leave sometime soon to make the hour-long drive back before day breaks, it might be misconstrued as me just wanting to leave.  I’ve found out the hard way that making in-laws unhappy with you, unintentional as it might be, is a Very Bad Idea.

My  house is a disaster area, and when our three or four free turkeys come in next week (I kid you not!), I’m going to need to go on a massive cooking spree.  I can’t fit that many frozen birds in my freezer, and we’re not having a Thanksgiving dinner at our house.  (Wait…oh!  An idea!  Maybe I can invite all the Passport graduates over for a dinner the week after?  But at least one of them’s vegetarian…hmm.)

In the meantime, I had a a fourteen-year-old who wants to kill herself, harvest party to plan, a Thanksgiving lesson series to write, and panels to lay up at work.  My house is still a wreck, I never did manage to redo the bulletin board at church, the basement is still unfinished, and we’ve been eating chicken nuggets and mac & cheese too many nights in a row for my taste.  I feel like I ought to be cooking a decent meal every night, but at least the man has the taste of your average kindergartener.  Holiday Faire is next weekend, and I have nothing but felt balls finished, so I’m not taking advantage of Eadric’s offer of table space.  Nicky’s present is here and wrapped, but he doesn’t have a card yet, and I feel like I should’ve gotten him more.  Never mind that the kid’s a year old and doesn’t care about the cards (his grandmother is apparently card-obsessed, and I fear their recurring wrath much more than his tantrums).  Never mind also that Christmas is a month after his birthday, and while I’ll have to give equal gifts for both later in his young life, I can be cheaper about it now.  The kid has more toys than he knows what to do with anyway.  He’s getting books and blocks for Christmas.