Out of Avalon

August 29th, 2008 by Ascelyn

On top of everything else, my computer just deleted my entry when I tried to post it.  I don’t feel like trying to rewrite things, so take this how you will.

I spent yesterday evening in the ER.  They got me in more quickly than I’ve ever seen, so I guess I should be grateful.  Instead, I’m just tired and scared.

The bleeding got worse yesterday.  Still not very bad, but bad enough to freak me out and send me home from work crying.   Honestly, I don’t cry as much as this journal/blog thing might imply, but I think I can be forgiven this time.

After I calmed down enough to call the doctor an hour or two later, he told me to go to the ER.  He is, granted, known for being overly cautious.  I had to wait a few hours for someone to come pick me up, since I left my Jeep at work when I had Jason bring me home.  They got me in quickly.  The longest wait of the night was for the lab results to come back, because the welll-oiled machine that is Western Maryland Health System forgot to run my quantitative hCG.  Which is, you know, kind of important.

End result:  hCG levels have risen from around 350 to the upper 8000’s over the course of a week.  I’m to have more blood drawn and repeat the test tomorrow.  Ultrasound showed everything right where it should be and looking good for my dates.  No heartbeat yet, but it would be more surprising to see one than not at this point.  I’m hoping that Khachan will order a repeat one after my new, sooner appointment with him on Thursday.  I’ll feel much better after I see it.  Things were closed that were supposed to be closed, sized how they were supposed to be sized, and otherwise good except for the reason I’d gone in to begin with.

They couldn’t tell what was causing the bleeding, but at least that means nothing horribly wrong.  I’m trying to be hopeful, but instead I’m just scared.  The doc who saw me ordered me to stay off work today and stay in bed/on the couch as much as possible, then just chill out and lay around a lot over the weekend.  Being home from work and not able to clean or do yardwork was more frustrating than relaxing.  I’ve also had to email a friend and tell him that I can’t help his sister move tomorrow, so I feel like crap for breaking my word.  On the other hand, he’ll live.  I did, at least, get special permission to drive down to Eadric’s on Monday and hang out.  I just can’t let the kids jump on me or run around or carry anything.  In other words, I’m generally useless, or at least even more useless than usual.

The bleeding hasn’t stopped, but I was warned that it could continue just from the fourteen million exams they did at the hospital.  I know that a lot of people go on to have perfectly healthy infants, but I know too many who haven’t.  I’m sick of trying to rationalize, and I’m sick of being scared.

I just want my baby to be okay.

August 28th, 2008 by Ascelyn

Yesterday started well, but by the end of the day I was slightly freaking out again.  But I’m not going to go into that, because if I do, I’ll get worried (again), and things will just go downhill from there.

Suffice it to say that things are going even better still today, and they’d bloody well better stay on that trend.

I’m supposed to call my doc back this morning to get things straightened out and see if I need to be watched more closely, but I left my cell phone at home.  Or in Jason’s car.  Or somewhere, in general, that’s not here.  Guess I’m going home for lunch today.

My dad is threatening to tell everyone at work as soon as he goes back on Monday after this week’s vacation.  My mom’s angry that I won’t let her tell her friends when she goes to the beach with them in a few weeks.  They don’t seem to understand that I’ve had too many friends already who have had problems not discovered until the ultrasounds were done.  After I see what there is to see and preferably see or hear a heartbeat, I’ll think about telling my own friends.  Then you can tell yours.

I don’t see why they have such a problem with that.  I was gently chastised for telling them so soon and quickly warned not to tell anyone else until 12 weeks.  Well, as of now my first appointment is just at over 12 weeks, and I’ve told pretty much no one so far.  Parents and siblings, my supervisor, and the members of the Vortex of Evil who were at Eadric’s over the weekend.  People who either need to be told before I do anything else (parents), need to be told because things need to be done to avoid hazards (boss), or are plain out the people I like and trust the most, since I really need someone to talk to who isn’t my husband or mother.

B, my boss, was thinking about moving me into one of the four extra cubicles in the CMM room.  Don’t ask me what it stands for; it’s a big machine that checks points and sizes of various things, or something kind of like that.  It’s very high tech looking, anyway.  Harmless enough, anyway, except that the vacuum chamber for D&P testing is also in that room.  Since the chamber isn’t in its final position yet, pipes haven’t been run to vent it to the outside.  So yes, all the vapors in the chamber get sucked out along with the air and pumped…right into the room.  If I’m correct, the fluid they’re using right now for D&P stinks to high heaven in the best of times.  Right now is not the best of times.  I’d really like the currently unsecure “secure” office, please.

I had another brilliant idea last night.  If you know me well enough to be reading this, you know that “brilliant” is a very relative word when applied to my ideas.  Regardless, I think that if the office stays unsecured and unused for the foreseeable future, I should get it and continue to have it at least part-time after I come back.  Right now, if you pump and don’t have an office–and heck, I don’t even have full-size walls on my cube–you have to drive up to the office building and do it there.  Sure, you could use the bathroom here, but it’s utterly disgusting even when we try to keep it clean ourselves, and there’s only one.  You don’t want to tie it up when someone else needs to use it too.

I guess that’s a full year off, though, so I can’t complain too much yet.

August 27th, 2008 by Ascelyn

The boss has been told.  It went fine, though I was certainly less than eloquent, and he’s more than willing to work with me.

The program that’s borrowing our cut/kit room wasn’t here today, and since non-oxide isn’t doing greenforming trials today and the furnace isn’t running and burning off excess paint and plastic, I didn’t push the desk-moving issue.  I did bring up the idea, though, and he’s fine with my moving if it comes to that.  We’ll see in a few days.

I have more energy than usual today, but that’s not saying much.  Just that I haven’t been tempted at least fourteen times yet to take PTO and go home because I just can’t handle it.

Because I’m a natural-born worrier, though, that almost worries me.  My stomach hasn’t been as upset or crampy today or yesterday evening, either.  Certain other parts don’t hurt as much as they did.  And, frankly, I’m bleeding a teeny, tiny bit.  Nothing that I’m concerned about, and I’m not going to call Dr. Khachan’s office again because I think getting upset if I talk to the idiot receptionist again would be worse for me than ignoring this and seeing if it just goes away.  I have waited far too long for this parasitic cluster of cells for something to go wrong now.  And it won’t–won’t go wrong, that is.  I’m ignoring it much too studiously for anything of the sort to happen.

August 27th, 2008 by Ascelyn

Today I tell my boss.

I wanted to wait longer.  I really did.  I figured that I would wait until we had a definite date in mind for the radomes, then tell.  I’ve been pushing for someone to tell me even roughly when that would be, but we have a wannabe politician as our new secondary program manager and he butted in to ensure that no one gave me a good answer.

Instead, I’m telling him now.  At six weeks.  I’ve dug up more lovely chemicals I’m now worried about using, but most can be protected against by simply not touching them.  Xylene’s not like that.  Xylene you inhale, and it’s xylene that we think has been emanating from the cut/kit room less than fifty feet from my desk.  There’s no hood in the room under which to work, and the doors aren’t even close to being air tight.  It all comes right out to us.

I want my things moved by the end of the day.  I’ll do it all.  I’ll call the girl in IT who will need to activate the new computer and phone jacks.  I’ll cart stuff back and forth.  I’ll grovel and bring in cookies tomorrow if that’s what it takes, but I will not be spending the rest of my pregnancy sitting in this fume-filled hallway.  Even if they stop using the xylene, there are other fumes, coming at me from all sides.  I spent yesterday freaking out about some of them, then about not being able to get in touch with my doctor.  I’m not going to spend the next seven or eight months in a constant state of panic unless there’s a gorram good reason.

Plus, even sans pukeyness, the smells are making my head spin.  It makes it hard to work when the walls keep deciding to tilt in funny directions.

So tell the supervisor I will.  I wish I had a good opening line for talking to him, but I’m lost.  I wanted to tell earlier than usual, if only because it helps to have people looking out for you around some of this stuff even if you want to do things yourself and be independent.  I just wanted to tell him when I knew what to say, and when he wasn’t in an astoundingly foul mood due to being pulled away for a week to work on saving a program destined for failure.  I didn’t want it to have to be a five minute prescheduled thing when he’s already over-overworked and doesn’t have time for it.

And then there’s everyone else in the building.  Moving my desk is kind of obvious.  They’ll know.  And while for most of them it will be fine–varying between the corny older uncle type that is my first program manager to one or two ladies who will want to take me to lunch and talk babies–there are others that I dread finding out.  They annoy me, and they’ll just take this as an opportunity to annoy me further and try to talk to me about things that I don’t want to discuss with them.  At least Annoying Intern #1 is gone.  I guess I should count my blessings.

Anyway, it will be interesting.  Wish me luck, O Anonymous Internets.

I’ll need it.

August 26th, 2008 by Ascelyn

I just walked back in from calling my ob/gyn.  More specifically, I talked to whoever answered the phone, and that person irritated me immensely.  (Granted, that’s not particularly hard to do even in the best of times.)

I told her that my first appointment was in mid-October and that I had two questions.  First, that I’d been anemic several years ago, and that I feel the same way now.  While I understand that it’s a common complaint at my point in pregnancy, I was wondering if I should get checked for it or something.  She told me to take an iron supplement, to which I responded that I was already taking prenatal vitamins and isn’t it a bad idea to just randomly start taking more iron?  Because of, I don’t know, overdose or something?  No, I should wait to talk to the doctor at my next appointment.  But that’s months away, I say, and isn’t it a bad thing for both me and the baby to be potentially anemic for several months?  So take a pill.  No, don’t until you’ve seen the doctor!  Pill?  She waffled back and forth and gave me no good answer.

Number two.  As mentioned before, I work with some pretty unpleasant chemicals.  As I sit here, the smell of xylene is wafting through the air past my desk.  It’s really loads of fun.  In any case, I told her that I work at (insert name of company well-known in this tiny town) and work with at least a half dozen teratogens on a regular basis.  Should I be monitored for this, or is there something I should be doing myself?  In other words, should I come in before 12/13 weeks?  So let me get this straight, says Clueless Receptionist Lady.  You work with strong chemicals?  Aye, says I.  Well, says she, you’ll need to wait and talk to the doctor about that at your appointment

But that’s months away.  And I’m surrounded by things that can cause birth defects.  Every day, even if I don’t work with them myself.  They’re in their air, on the door handles, all around me.  Can’t Really Bad Stuff happen to my baby in the time it will take for my appointment to come up?

So you’re working with strong chemicals?

Yes. Teratogens.  I have the MSDS sheets if he would like to see them.

The doctor wouldn’t like you being around chemicals.  He wouldn’t want you to do that.  You should stop.

But then I, er, don’t get a paycheck.  Or health insurance.  I kind of need that.

You should talk to him about that at your next appointment.

 
…This is where I bang my head against my desk repeatedly.  I really don’t need this right now.

August 26th, 2008 by Ascelyn

Not sure how much of this has already been revealed, but I’m too tired and sluggish to even attempt looking it up right now.

Along with the new upstairs bathroom sink and cabinet, main floor bathroom paint job, and basement drop ceiling, we now have carpet in the basement.  This is totally ignoring our many awesome light switch and electrical outlet covers, installed by the handiest (okay, only) girl in the house.

The carpet rocks.  It wasn’t the cheapest stuff out there, but it was definately worth it.  The color is perfect, despite my original trepidation and indecision, and it’s the perfect middle ground between thick and firm.  It’s also soft, and it doesn’t bite into my elbows and knees when I sit or lay on it like my parents’ carpet does.  Which is good, really, because I tend to spend more time on the floor than on the couch.  I love love love it.

We bought furniture over the weekend, and it arrived yesterday.  Two bookcases, a media cover that will house our DVDs, and a table for below the TV, which Jason has finally decided upon and ordered.  We still need to order our two end tables from a different place.

The store we got those four pieces from was cheaper than EA, and it had what we wanted when the other didn’t.  You can tell it’s not as good of quality, however, and it got kind of beat up on its way to the house.  One of the tiles for the table has a pretty big scratch on it, and another is chipped.  Also, one of the shelves for my bookcases is missing.  Jason will be calling them back and seeing what he can do about the table, and I will be getting the missing shelf.  End of story.  It looks stupid and isn’t fully functional without it.

Also, we are now indoor pet free.  Yes, just after his third birthday, Schrödinger Sophocles Cat (called Sophie, the poor boy) has found a new home.  Glynis arranged for another most excellent lady from our barony, who was looking for a feline companion for her current cat, to take him in.  Jason is ecstatic.  I’m quite happy myself, though I do miss my kitty at times.  I hope both he and his new owner are happy and enjoying much playing and cuddling.

If I’m not 120% exhausted by the time we get home tonight, I’ll probably start moving books downstairs.  Don’t even ask me what we’re going to do with my desk in the guest room when the books are gone.  The only reason that thing was ever useful was because it had a book shelf on it.  Since my dear parents refused to buy me a computer desk when I begged for a desk in elementary school, I was forced to buy my own at a later date and have two desks in my small room to be able to have both books and computer.  That made a total of three desks in the guest room when you include Jason’s, which–gasp!–has both shelves for books and space for a computer.  Anyway, what I’m getting at is that it’s a truly nice desk, a real piece of hardwood furniture, and unlike the Wal-Mart computer desk that I passed on to Cathy, I don’t just want to get rid of it.  The question, really, is what to do with it after it no longer serves a purpose.  And I don’t know the answer to that one.

Other than that, everything’s really coming together.  I can’t wait until people come over sometime and get to see it.  Yay house!

August 25th, 2008 by Ascelyn

Still no pukey-ness.  My typical motion sickness has gotten worse to the point where I’ve made myself pretty miserable even when I’m the one driving, but that tends to kind of come and go anyway, so I’m not sure if it’s related.  On the other hand, I’m still perpetually exhausted.  The last time I remember being like this I was all sorts of anemic, so the combined sudden need for more blood with the creation of a new (albeit tiny) body would make sense.

I’ve been reading The Books for probably two years now, so I knew it was coming.  I just didn’t know it would be this unbelievably bad, or this early.  Meetings are an exercise in keeping my eyes open and trying not to babble incoherently, much as they have been since I got back from Pennsic.  In other words pretty much all along.  I need to figure out how to handle this, or things could get ugly.

At least I don’t have to get up early to take my temp anymore.  That helps.

Though I won’t be showing for a plenty long time yet, some of my pants are starting to fit a little funny.  They’re not too small, just sort of sitting down lower in the front.  No big deal, really, but I have to make sure I don’t wear any of my non-long shirts.  I think I’ve outgrown one of my brand new bras, too.  Grr.

I didn’t buy new clothes for about a year in hopes I’d be outgrowing them.  Now that I’d finally given in, after over a year of wearing certain things that were too small and rather uncomfortable, it finally happens.  At least I didn’t get the new jeans I’d been needing, I guess.

My stomach/belly/lower abdomen hurts worse today than usual.  Normally it starts getting worse around 8-ish in the evening, but suddenly it’s an all-day thing.  Lucky me.

On a more serious note, I was contemplating telling my supervisor today.  As I’ve probably noted before, some of the chemicals that it is pretty much my job and mine alone to use are teratogens.  Now that they’ve finally gotten a new contract to use them again, I’m going to refuse to do that part of my job, as is my right (and responsibility).  For better or for worse, my boss has apparently been put on another sudden out-of-office assignment for this week and won’t be back until next Monday, though I can get in touch with him if I need to.  Looks like next week unless something comes up sooner than expected.

The next meeting for the safety board, which my fancy little self is on, won’t be until Sept. 9th.  I’ll be bringing up the dearth of MSDS forms for our processes then, if not before.  I’d really like to take a look at what’s being used in our building, but I can’t right now because the MSDSs aren’t available anywhere.  Heck, I don’t even know what half of the stuff we use is to be able to look it up.

Since I’ve already met with Dr. Khachan and had the first round of bloodwork, medical history, and all that done, my first prenatal appointment isn’t until I’m already twelve weeks.  Considering where I work, I wonder how good of an idea it is to wait that long.  Actually, I haven’t heard of anyone else from any profession in this day and age waiting until the second trimester for a first appointment.  Once I have MSDSs in hand, I plan to call the office and ask if I can bring in the forms for anything I’m exposed to that could be a problem.  I’d really like to have an appointment sooner just to make sure everything’s okay in there.

Time for lunch.  Did I mention I’ve been perpetually starving for the last two weeks or so?  As in, four chicken legs, two pieces of corn on the cob, green beans, and rice for dinner…with cake afterward?  I ate a whole bowl of applesauce at 10:30 and my stomach is already growling again!  Off to find food and wait for the new furniture to be delivered.

August 21st, 2008 by Ascelyn

We ate Chinese today.  And I didn’t even pretend to eat anything healthy.  What follows came from within my post-meal pseudo-cookie delight:

You are about to embark on a
most delightful journey.
Lucky Numbers 11, 17, 18, 19, 41, 43

(But not 42?  Dang.)

A phone call to Dr. K’s to find out how long it would take to get the results from this morning’s blood test back revealed that they worked faster than I’d anticipated.

One giant, whopping positive.

In late April or early May, we’ll be having a baby.

 

 

 

August 21st, 2008 by Ascelyn

Today started out okay.  Really.

“Okay” is, of course, relative.  Obviously baby trumps all.  But over the last few days and weeks, more and more things start getting thrown off-kilter.

There’s the fact that I can turn the air down in the house to 73 degrees and still feel like I’m going to sweat to death.  Between that and the fact that you could touch my breasts with a feather and make me cry, sleeping gets to be a bit difficult.  I’ve never been able to sleep when it’s hot, and now I can’t lay like I usually do either.  Plus, starting a few days ago I’ve started having to run to the bathroom every five seconds, so even if I do fall asleep I’m right back awake.

And the acne.  I started breaking out a bit right after my return from Pennsic, but over the last week my skin has gone crazy.  I’m worried to use anything for it, though.

As mentioned yesterday, my allergies, or whatever might be adding to them, are going nuts.  Tissues, somebody, please!

My stomach (well, not technically my stomach, but “tummy” and “belly” just seem strange) has been vaguely crampy for about a week now.  I originally took it as meaning any vague hopes of pregnancy were null and void.  It’s changed since the beginning into something totally different from the usual PMS misery, though.  In general, it sort of feels the same as when I did too many sit-ups at once back in high school–like all the muscles just under the skin covering my abdomen are too tight and tense.  Then sitting down between my hips is a hollow ball made of lead.  It’s hard to explain.  It’s not particularly pleasant, though it’s not too bad for the most part unless there’s pressure being put on it.  Unfortunately, that pressure can be as slight as leaning forward in my chair.  Last night it started cramping worse, though, which was downright frightening.

Let me take this chance to mention that my lovely stomach itself tends to have issues with cramping up in absolutely miserable ways all on its own.  It’s been doing this since middle school, though it’s tapered off some as I’ve gotten older.  Chances are last night had nothing to do with anything important, but it’s amazing how an extra pink line on a stick can turn a little pain from something obnoxious and irritating into something terrifying.

Not that I’m complaining about what I’ve gotten myself into.  But last night I wanted nothing more than to call my mother and hear her tell me that everything was going to be okay, that it was all perfectly normal, and I couldn’t.  We’re going to tell them next weekend, I guess.  The Vamps drew blood for the official tests this morning, so we should probably know early next week.

Speaking of my friends in the lab, a guy stuck me who I’ve only ever spoken to before.  Wow, I wish my normal girl was there.  I gave him my left arm–the one I usually use, since I’m right handed and drive a stick–and he didn’t think he could get anything in it.  Say wha?  What about all those big, lovely blue veins standing out all over it?  What about all the tiny little scars where previous people have drawn blood?  The Red Cross guy, who’s probably less trained than your professional phlebotomist self, just took a full unit from it at the beginning of the month!

So he used my right.  I watched, as I always do, as he slid the needle in…and then wiggled it.  Pulled it halfway out and stuck it at a different angle.  Did it a third time.

Needless to say, this hurt.  Really, really bad hurting.  But wait, it gets better!

He looked confused and pulled the needle out entirely.  After getting a new one, he stuck me in a new place on the same arm.  Nothing.  Wiggle…nothing.  Half out, re-jab, and look, out comes the blood!

Ouch ouch ouch.  Good thing he’s never taken blood from me before, because even now, after having blood drawn for labwork a million times and regularly donating to the blood bank, I’m afraid to go back.  It hurt horribly.  It’s never hurt before, much less like this.

He finished, and I wandered out to the waiting room to sit down.  The world was spinning, my arm was screaming in pain, and I thought I was going to faint.  The guy was nice enough, if not too good at drawing blood, and came out to check on me several times.  I liked him.  I just hope he never tries to put a needle in my arm again.

When I was un-dizzy enough to try to drive, I made my way to work.  Trying to drive, much less a manual, when your right arm is alternating beween searing pains shooting up and down your forearm and throbbing at the site is not a good idea.  It was made worse because the dizziness came back, followed by nausea, followed by me almost having to pull over several times to be sick.  I probably should not have been driving.  I was barely coherent.

Here I am, two and a half hours later, doing far better.  My arm hurts, but not as much.  I’m kind of loopy, but not much more than usual.  And the rest of the issues…well, those probably aren’t going away any time soon.

I started my official prescription prenatal vitamins today.  Wonder what I’m supposed to do with the nearly new bottle of over-the-counter ones I bought just before Pennsic?  Ah well, life goes on.

I’m finding that all the things that used to make me want to burst out in tears now make me happy.  Songs, comics, just seeing random babies and young kids.  Yay for not being sad!

On a totally different but also way awesome note, we’re officially paying off J’s car today.  Between paying off the Jeep a few months ago and now the car, we’re freeing up around $700 per month.  That makes me happy, especially if I end up giving up hours or not working for a while.  It also means that our only loans are now the money for the basement, my student loans, and obviously the mortgage.  I also have at least $17,000 in bonds that should mature in the next year or so, which will take care of much of the first two.  I am a happy, happy girl.

I currently eagerly desire Chinese food.  And soap for the women’s restroom.  Half an hour until I can start pestering J and our lunch buddy about leaving!

August 20th, 2008 by Ascelyn

The Parents

Yes, the Most Awesome Gift that my father will recieve belatedly is a teeny tiny little Hawaiian shirt with khaki cargo shorts.  They’ve been waiting for such an opportunity for months, and the concept for over a year, so I was quite excited to be able to go home from work and wrap them up.  On his bicentennial, no less!  What luck!  And since I could snap pictures of him with the cake, the table, and all the rest, it would not seem out of place in the least to snap pictures of my parents’ reactions to the news.

Grr to sensible husbands.  Two tests, both of which turned beautifully dark in mere seconds, would not lie to me.  If they did, I’ll hunt them down and smite them.  But yes, I do agree that he was taking the smart route.

Sometimes I despise smart people.

 

I picked up the form for my blood test today, but when I walked past the lab on the first floor of the building they were busier than I had ever seen before.  When I called them not long ago, the helpful guy on the phone recommended coming in around 8:00 tomorrow morning–after all the people with fasting tests have left, but before the older people bother getting up and the lunch crowd arrives.  Since it will probably be a few days before the office contacts me with results, I’d like to get it done as soon as possible.  Dr. S, by the way, says not to bother the rest of the tests she wanted me to do.  Yay for fewer out-of-pocket expenses!

 

The Husband

But back to the telling.  Last time I thought that it might have been my time, I bought a pack of newborn socks in the style Jason always wears.  After I saw those two most coveted lines on the first test, I wandered back through the dark bedroom and opened the package.  Those socks are tiny.  It’s amazing–especially when I realize that they were once far too big on me.  Since J tends to ask me to grab clothes for him when he’s in a rush, I replaced his own socks with this ones, tucked in with his other whites.  I grabbed a shower, got ready myself, then attempted to get him out of bed.

After a half an hour of pleading, the man still wouldn’t get out of bed and into the shower.  I gave up and went downstairs to eat breakfast.  Even he couldn’t ruin my most wonderful of mornings.

As I threw the leftover pizza back into the toaster oven to finish heating, I heard the shower come on upstairs.  Score!  I ate and wandered back up to re-brush my teeth before going to the appointment.

He had grabbed.  Other.  Clothes.

That just ain’t right, people.

Jason’s a sneaky one.  He knew, all right.  But there was no way he was letting on, the jerk!  I weedled it out of him eventually.  So I guess my sweet little plan didn’t quite go as intended, but maybe sweetness just isn’t his style.

 

The In-laws 

I obviously have to tell them around the same time as my parents, but I’m having some problems with this.  First of all, their ideas of childrearing and mine don’t exactly coincide, and they’re the type to either a) take great offense at my not wanting to do things their way, b) try to do whatever they want anyway behind my back, or c) both.  I’m voting for C, which makes me neither want to tell them anytime soon nor ever leave my kid alone with them.  Feeding spoonfuls of fat-free peanut butter to a two-month-old, anyone?

J’s youngest sister is also pregnant, her with her second in under two years.  When we went to pick berries a few weeks ago, I rode on the four-wheeler behind her.  I tried to give her as much room as possible for her growing belly, and at one point I asked if it worried her to be riding.  (I have, by the way, been told by these people not to ask for a helmet when I ride.  And my father-in-law takes my one year old nephew on one of those things with him, because “he’s holding on, so it will be okay.”  And if it rolls over?  Help!)  She said that her doctor hadn’t liked her doing it during her first pregnancy, so now she just doesn’t tell him.

Sigh.

These are the type of people that are likely to get pretty miffed if I don’t ride because I’m pregnant.  It’s good enough for them, but not for me?  Who do I think I am?  My main concern isn’t that they’ll say something, but that they won’t.  After all, they apparently fumed for quite some time, talking about me amongst themselves and with everyone they met, before finally blowing up a few weeks before the wedding.

I’m also worried that as soon as I tell my mother- and father-in-law, they’ll get on the phone and tell everyone else.  They’ll do this even if they promise not to, and they’d be quite offended if I asked them not to.  The problem is, I want to tell my mom, so I have to tell them.  If I didn’t tell his parents right away, they’d be mad even if I hadn’t told my parents either.  But while I can trust my mom not to tell the entire extended crew, I can’t trust his mom–or more specifically, his dad, who decided to invite uninvited family members to our originally parent- and sibling-only wedding without our consent.  The problem is, if things go wrong, I don’t want to have to deal with his entire over-affectionate, touchy-feely Greek family.  I like them–I really do, despite my misgivings about his immediate family–but that would be the last thing I’d need in a case like that.

On a happier note, I was thinking about making my nephew a shirt that says “I’m the Big Cousin.”  Now I think I’m going to just write it on the kid with the face paint markers he loves so dearly.  Hopefully they’ll figure it out and not think that I’m talking about his second/third cousins who live in Baltimore and who he rarely ever sees.

I think I’ll try to get a picnic type thing together on Labor Day weekend, though not Monday itself.  We can tell them then.

 

The Boss

We now have a contract for two more water-based radomes.  You know, the ones I had to mix all the resin for because Formerly Pregnant Female Coworker couldn’t mess with the teratogens?  Well, that all came after she had already announced it to everyone.  I don’t know how to bring this up to my supervisor, though I’m sure he’ll be happy for me.  I wanted to have more time first.  Frankly, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, since it’s not just my boss who would know but everyone.  It’s kind of obvious when the young, married female tech who loves kids refuses to do part of her job anymore–specifically the job the pregnant engineer refused to do a few months ago.

Wish me luck.

 

The Everbody Else

We’ll probably hold off for a while, maybe until the end of the first trimester, maybe until we hear the heartbeat.  I do hope to tell Eadric and Sam when I’m at their house for Labor Day.  We’ll be planning the household encampment for next Pennsic anyway, so it’s applicable, and I trust them to keep things a secret.

Work friends are easy.  Tell M, who will quickly tell everyone else on plant whether I want her to or not.  She’s the one who’s already told people that I was pregnant multiple times when I wasn’t, even before she met me.  She’s an…interesting person, albeit a nice one.

Band friends are equally easy.  Tell R.  He should have been female when it comes to spreading rumors and creating drama.

I’m worried about a few people who I know are dealing with infertility in their own lives.  There are others who have suffered losses in previous much-desired pregnancies, as well.  I know how miserable I was for a long time every time someone got pregnant, even if I was happy for them, and I don’t want to add to their pain, much less drive anything between us.  I’m honestly not sure what to do.

I don’t want to stand up and make an announcement in front of my entire group of SCA friends, nor do I want to send out an email to the list.  I don’t like that kind of attention, everyone’s eyes (physical or mental) on me.  On the other hand, it’s the easiest way to make sure I don’t miss anyone who would be offended.  It also gives people who might be hurt by it a chance to escape a one-on-one sort of ambush and cry in private if they need to.  I know I liked hearing the news much better via email, phone, or someone else.  Others might be offended, though.

 

It’s all very confusing.  Sometimes I’m glad I have time for the rest of the crew, even if I don’t want to deal with certain bits of family or work or anything as soon as I do.  I think I might start unlocking these posts after I tell family, but I’m not sure.  What if someone reads it who knows other people who I know and tells everyone before I get a chance to?  It’s not that I want the glory and embarassment all to myself, just that I don’t want some people knowing before a certain time.

I just don’t know.