Out of Avalon

February 26th, 2009 by Ascelyn

I haven’t written in a little while.  Part of that has been because I’ve been tired, or working late hours, or any of a dozen other things.  The rest is because I’ve been worried, but at the same time too scared to put my fears into words.

There are going to be some hard times over the next few months.  I know that, and being able to prepare myself mentally is half the battle.  This baby will be twelve weeks right around what would have been the twins’ due date.  We lost the twins at twelve weeks, and the double reminder is going to be unpleasant.  Another frightening point is eight and a half weeks, when unbeknownst to us the twins apparently stopped growing, their tiny hearts stilled forever.

I’m eight and a half weeks now, and I can’t say I’m okay with that.  Thrown into that is a slow reduction in some of my symptoms, for which I’d otherwise be grateful, and some miserably painful cramps that were bad enough to wake me from a dead sleep (at three in the morning, the same time I awoke to rush to the hospital before).  I’ve had a bad feeling for the last four or five weeks that this isn’t going to end well.  How much of that can be attributed to my undying pessimism?  How much to intuition?  I’m afraid to find out, but I know I’m going to one way or another.

Today it came to a head.  I was due for an ultrasound at 10:30, and while I’ve been kept too busy over the last few days to fret about it, the morning was slow and gave me time to think–and panic.  What would we see?  Would I get Sonographer #5 again?  I’d planned to go elsewhere to have my ultrasounds done this time, but it was scheduled and on paper before I could tell that to the nurse setting up the appointment.

What we saw, thanks to the seriously awesome tech, was a healthy, approximately 8 week old baby with a strong, beating heart.  Our little guy (or girl, but Jason’s convinced that it’s a boy) is about 1.5 cm long, and his little hummingbird heart beats at 170 bpm.  I never did find out how fast the twins’ hearts beat, but it wasn’t nearly as fast as this.  I’d even worried at the time that they weren’t as fast as I’d anticipated.  But this baby, this presumably healthy baby, (this presumably single baby,) will be born around October 10.  Hooray for an excuse for yearly costume parties!

I’m so happy I could cry.  Which I did, shamelessly, right on the exam table.

A heartbeat heard from a singleton means far more than one from a multiple, and it would seem I’m well on my way to safety.  And to motherhood.  I hope I don’t screw up either too much.

We’re going to talk about it tonight after dealing with the crazy kids at church (for whom I made chocolate cupcakes, hooray!), but I think we’ll be telling our families this weekend.  Hopefully that will go well, but even if it doesn’t on his parents’ end, it’s something that needs to be done.  I’m even thinking about telling one or two friends at KASF next weekend.  I’ll be nearly ten weeks, the demarcation between embryo and fetus, and as safe as I’m going to get.  Maybe then people will stop thinking I’m crazy for being exhausted and perpetually hungry (and by the end, hormonal and weepy) at F&F last weekend, but I’ll write about that later in a non-protected post.  This post is for me and my baby.

For the first time, I really feel optimistic about all of this.  Hope is returning, and it’s a good feeling.  I think I’m going to ride on this wave of happiness for a while, and anyone who isn’t going to be happy with me can just go slink back into their dark corner.  They can’t touch me, and I can’t be bothered with them.

Now if someone will just explain to me how I’m supposed to drink a full day’s worth of water two hours before an ultrasound at a time when a few ounces will send me running to the bathroom, then have someone push a transducer into my bladder to see through it, I’ll be fully happy.  I’m even thinking about calling the hospital and telling them how awesome this lady is compared to Sono. #5, that’s how thankful I am, but the whole 6-8 glasses of water thing is crazy.  I’m just sayin’.

February 18th, 2009 by Ascelyn

This week has been spent in foggy exhaustion and vague nausea–not conducive to work (or the desire to check the dictionary for spelling), which is why I’m writing this.

Jason’s been teasing me that I’m having an adverse reaction to work itself, which is supposedly why I start getting sickest between 8-8:30 in the morning and continuing until around 5:30-ish.  That the schedule doesn’t change when I come to work early, leave late, or have the day off does nothing to change this.  Hmmph.

That said, everything’s going much more smoothly this time around.  I’m able to be at least semi-productive, especially after lunch, and I don’t feel like the world’s crashing down around me.  Otherwise, much is the same (mild cramping, tenderness, inability to be around Sharpies without losing that lunch that was oh-so-helpful not five minutes ago).  And I’ve made a concerted effort to banish the depression that was crippling me for the first few weeks.  Something concrete might start it, but I tend to obsess and let things spiral out of control.  I’ve been really working hard to keep myself mentally as well as physically healthy.

My first appointment this time around will be Friday afternoon.  I’m looking forward to going, not only to hopefully get some kind of sign that things are going well, but also to ask some more questions about last time.  While we’ll never know exactly what happened, there are things that I deserve to have answered, and I actually feel pretty confident that Dr. W will be willing to do that.

Tonight I need to make cookies for the kids, felt balls for Feast & Foolishness, and figure out what the heck to wear for the same.  I never got around to making my brown short-sleeved cotehardie, mostly because my sewing machine’s still being batty.  Unfortunately, everything but my faux Ren Faire garb (stripey skirts, fluffy chemises, and a bodice that likely won’t lace properly now) has dangly sleeves.  I lurve dangly sleeves, but I’ve found that they suck while working on camp fires, while playing with kids, and while working in the kitchen.  In other words, most of the time I’m at events.

I also want to make a ham.  With pineapple, and mashed potatoes and gravy.  Mmm….so tasty.  I’ve been seriously wanting ham and mashed potatoes lately, and J’s not-exactly-love for the food (but not hate, either!) will no longer stop me.  It can cook while I’m getting everything else done.

I made chicken pot pie last night, plus an extra one that’s now in the freezer.  I realize that the ode to my glorious freezer is still sitting in my “drafts” folder, so I’ll have to get around to that someday.  Suffice it to say that it’s awesome and I love it and I’m beginning to store many tasty foods in it.  Mmm, food.

Did I mention that the INSANE ALL-CONSUMING HUNGER is back?  Feast & Foolishness, come soon!

February 10th, 2009 by Ascelyn

Looking around this morning for information about acetone and its use during pregnancy, I found a compilation of three studies showing that not only does exposure to organic solvents lead to potential birth defects and miscarriages, it also leads to increased infertility rates.

Interesting, especially since I’ve managed to get pregnant twice in the last two years.  Two years of wondering why someone who is young, healthy, and otherwise in a great position for getting pregnant can’t seem to do so.

Pregnancy #1:  Off for a week and a half for Pennsic.

Pregnancy #2:  Off for a week or two for Christmas.

The rest of my life is spent with a far higher than average exposure to organic solvents of various sorts.

I’m not one to give more credit than is due to any one presentation on the internet, and I definitely want to dig deeper into the individual studies, but it makes me wonder.  Several other people I know who work here, who had no problems having children previously, have had trouble concieving now that they’re on plant.

Something to ask Dr. W, I think.  Appointment is the 20th, by the way, and they’ve already had me do a few rounds of bloodwork.  Also, I adore the ladies in his office.  Yay!

February 10th, 2009 by Ascelyn

I had training all day yesterday, so today has been my first day back in my own building.  At this rate, I’m going to go insane before the week’s out.

At the Rocket Factory, we have two basic types of employees:  engineers and operators.  The engineers figure out all sorts of nifty stuff, and the operators build it.  The operators function under strict union regs that require them to have explicit, written, approved instructions for every little thing.  I’m one of the handful of technicians, who are somewhere in between:  permitted to think on my feet, but also to do physical work.  It’s a sweet combination.

When I first started working here a few years, I was the only non-engineer on my program.  The reactor I’d been hired to run still isn’t up and running, so I was given lots of little stuff to do to keep me busy and make me useful.  I fetched things from the store room, filled out forms, carried objects to shipping, and generally ran all over plant.  Unfortunately, it seems to have stuck, and people who weren’t even there at the time are still coming up to me and making inane comments like, “So you’re the shipping girl….”

No. I’m not.  Leave me alone and do your own work.

But they laugh and think I’m joking, so I’m forced to fill out their forms for them and carry them to shipping.  Luckily, it’s right next door, though a long way if I follow the road, and I’ve worked out a few Super Secret Shortcuts.  One is down the side of a steep hill and through the gully.  The other is through the press room, which theoretically is locked but in actuality is an easy access to the back side of shipping if you don’t get run over by a fork truck first.

R brings me two jars of resin and asks me to ship them.  He has most of the info I need, but I send him back for the rest.  Why can’t people seem to figure out the five items I need from them after all this time?

I set the jars on his desk while waiting for him to find me an MSDS for the shipping folks, and I notice my hands are slimy.  Resin leaked.

Crap.

I express a small amount of unhappiness and ask him if there’s anything in the resin I should worry about.  He says no, just to wash it off.  Luckily, another guy catches me on my way out the door and reminds me not to use water.  Yes, this is the resin that reacted and turned to ammonia when it was used in the prepregger while water was still in the reservoir from cleaning.  I should use another solvent, one with which I’m not too familiar.  Is it safe to use on your hands?  Especially right now?  But I can’t ask him that, since nobody knows yet.

I grab a rag and scrub off as much as I can, then head back to the offices to ask either my supervisor or another employee who has recently been pregnant what to do.  Both are busy.  I go back to R’s cube, where the MSDS finally sits, and read through it.  Looks like the resin’s fairly harmless, as far as such things go.  Back to the other cube, and Jen1’s in her office.  I shut the door and ask her if the Alcatrel’s going to do anything unpleasant.  I’m told to go ahead and use it quickly, then to wash my hands well with soap and water.

This done, I drag the jars and accompanying paperwork to shipping.  It’s raining, and because of the ice and mud I can’t cut down the hill.  Upon delivery, I discover that his “MSDS” is in fact an MSINFO sheet, which doesn’t have the appropriate shipping precautions.  I knew this, but was too freaked out about the spilled resin to have noticed.

Back to my building.  R eventually brings me a hard copy of the full MSDS, which means I can’t just email it over.  Back out in the rain.  By now I’m threatening to kill the next person who asks me to ship something for them.  I stare at the vast, puddle-covered expanse of parking lot and decide to sneak through my second Super Secret Shortcut.

It’s locked.  We decided in the safety team meeting today to start locking down the extra doors, but I didn’t know it would happen so fast.  Nothing around here happens so fast.

Because of the way the buildings, fences, and steam pipes are arranged, I have to walk around three buildings to get to an unlocked door.  I almost get hit by two forklift drivers too excited to be at the end of their shifts to be paying attention.  I’m cold and wet and tired and nauseated and I don’t want to be here.  Now I need to go ‘fess up to my supervisor, because even though Jen1’s promised not to  tell, I still feel like I need to have told my boss first.

This week just needs to be over already.

February 2nd, 2009 by Ascelyn

And thus begins the great exhaustening.