Out of Avalon

December 18th, 2009 by Ascelyn

My first week at work is almost over.  Granted, it was a strange week–a half day Monday and Thursday off because Certain People who had promised to watch the baby ended up backing out for those times.  Still, while work itself isn’t too bad, I hate leaving in the mornings and am so sorry in the evenings that I missed having the time with Michael.

It made spending all day with him yesterday all the sweeter, though.  At least until this morning, when I fed him just before I left.  He finished and was grinning and babbling at me, but by the time I was on my way out the door, he was wailing.  I felt like I was abandoning him.  At home with J, he’ll have one-on-one attention and be held and cuddled.  At daycare, I’m afraid he’ll just be left in his crib alone all day.  I know for certain that he would at most of the places I checked; they told me that very plainly.  I don’t think he will be at the one where he’ll be going, but the prospect still worries me.

If I were to stop working here, I’d probably start watching another baby at home.  Sure, I wouldn’t make as much money as the people who are at full capacity, but I’d know I was taking good care of him or her, and I hope that would make the other parents feel comfortable.  One person can care for–not just have around, but actually care for–two babies.  I just don’t see how they can really take care of two infants and six preschoolers.  Then when the other baby and my own have both turned two or three and are out of diapers and not requiring super-constant hands-on care, I could start watching another child or two.

J’s been working like crazy, usually long into the night after we’ve gone to bed.  I’m really glad he’s getting to spend the next two weeks with his son.  He’s never been alone with him for more than the amount of time it takes me to get a shower before.  Honestly, though, it still worries me immensely that I have three CVD runs in the next three weeks, and that sort of a schedule is only going to get worse.  Who’s going to watch Michael while we’re away…all day, and possibly all night?  I wish I had a better idea of how things were going to go.  He shouldn’t be working that much anyway, and my schedule should have evened out years ago.